.MP3 & WRITTEN WORD

Written and spoken thoughts of marginalized experiences narrated by Zulu Green.

To me, crisis is real
it brings out the true nature of self and people around you. 
Pandemic crisis was fucked up, 
but in terms of pace 
it was the BEST (for me). 
The world was rotating at my pace, 
finally!
I did find it very sad to see some of my peers struggle through out the crisis. 
TBH, before the pandamic crisis 
there was already crisis for some. 
allot maybe.
Like, do we even know a time without any sort of crisis?
I think covid was the first crisis the world went through collectively. 
But 
crisis on itself 
was always present i feel.
Crisis is like growing pains. 
Fucked up when ur going trough it, 
but liberating when you come out of it.
Time crisis? 
super random, but came to mind.
Maybe because i think that crisis is defined by time.
Time is the biggest luxury, 
the only thing money can't buy.
Omg, super random lol qqq
uuhhhmmm.. 
what else. 
crisis crisis crisis. lol
I loved playing time crisis as a kid. 
It was this game with a physical gun that you could play. 
its was super dope.
But back to the subject. 
I hope everybody ´´´came out of´´ the crisis well. 
I do innerstand 
that the fact that i was able to enjoy parts of the crisis 
was also because of my own privilege. 
i fully overstand that this was not everybody's experience.
The positive thing from a new society point of view; 
is that new collectives, 
new initiatives 
were able to thrive after the pandemic. 
Sort of an out with the old in with the new concept.
So ultimately; a crisis is 
fucked up 
but necessery.
A crisis is a cleanse. 
A crisis is a cleanse. 
A crisis is a disco ball, 
with hundreds of tiny mirrors that reflect their surroundings. 
And when the sun hits it, it explodes with these rays of light 
that illuminate everything in the room. 
And at the ends of these rays, 
where something physical stops its course,
are these tiny squares.
Pockets of peace, moments of clarity,
in the midst of an explosion.
The eye of a hurricane. 
You know that you still have some rough weather to endure 
but a hint, 
maybe even a promise 
of calm and clearness has presented itself. 
The readjusting happens in these pockets of peace. 

Trip(ing) to ourselves as an act of self awareness can be a way to connect to your deepest fears and desires.
My trips and self medication (as we in finland call it) have been born from an immense need to expand my understanding of myself, silence out the noisy expectations and pressure that I set and my people set for me.
It’s my little gateway to that actual me time where I reflect and live my multiple experiences in presence - to and for - myself. 
My trips often present me with very clarifying presentations like: I can't move backwards,
I can't keep on abandoning myself and I have to be safe and believe I am deserving of peace. 

The need to connect with myself often comes out of neglecting myself, not being present with myself or hearing myself for too long.
This fast pace, hurry hurry society and capitalist life where living is making it hard to listen to what my heart and soul wants to tell me.
One way for me to make that connection is through small rituals. When the kids have gone to bed and are sleeping,
I go to the cabinet above my microwave, take my black box out and I roll a joint and go to the balcony to smoke it.
For me it's my moment of peace, a moment for me, usually I don't have my phone with me,
I just sit with a J in my hand and it helps me to hear me. Hear my soul.
When I can't visit my home that often, the one thing that helps me align myself,
weed has become an important substitute for it.

I see taking Trips as a BIPOC revolution. Meaning that a decade ago doing drugs was mostly associated with white crowds/people/spaces.
If I look around now, I feel like taking trips to self has been a beautiful revolution in the BIPOC (Queer) community,
maybe contributing to the regained freedom that, in history, has been taken from us.
Freedom of mind, freedom of self, just freedom in the broadest sense.
When I trip I literally cleanse. Reset, if you will.
Therefore I believe that there are no bad trips or good trips per se.
There is only the state of the body, mind and soul, which the substance will amplify.
The trip will give you confirmation that you are on the right path if you've been doing the work
and the trip will also be soft but confrontational if you haven't been doing the work as much as you should.
Though in my experience this confrontation is kind, nurturing and soft. Like your higher self is communicating with you.
In the right setting you can even experience ego death,
but that depends on how dominant/needed your ego is in that period of your life.
(I think) I've never experienced full ego death before.
But in the bits and pieces that I did experience ego death, it felt like rebirth.

I saw a tik tok of a person crying 
they cried because they felt like they were disappearing, 
ceasing to exist
no adult had touched them in months, years even
not from their own free will, 
not because they wanted to touch that specific crying person
i been thinking a lot about touch deprivation 
or skin hunger
i have a history of feeling like my outlines disappear
its connected to my body dysmorphia, 
where i cannot grasp the idea of what i look like or feel like
and now i notice, that one way for me to cope with bd has been touch
and now i'm exiting the realm of it 
the realm of touch
and i am left wondering where can i ask for it
and i am left thinking is that too intimate
and i'm left wondering if i can draw my own outlines

Wauw, this is beautifully written Meriam!
On the contrary of what you're writing I have the feeling like i've been experiencing too much touch.
Since i've been sexually active (15 years old) i haven't been going through life without touch HAHAH, i feel like such a slut, LOLLL! Which is powerful and no shame at all.
But on the opposite of Meriam's story, I feel like too much touch can make you feel out of touch with yourself.
And I experienced this. Maybe still experiencing it in some aspects.
I rarely touch myself outside of sexual/pleasure purposes.
And I feel like touch outside of this spectrum is very important for self love.
I've just started this exercise that i do with myself where i stand in the mirror and just gently touch myself and speak out loud what i love about my body. This has been very healing.

My image of my body has fluctuated throughout my life.
One time it's very triggering and the other time I feel fully in my light and good in my body.
It's a journey.
Sense of belonging is helping me on my journey in many ways.
I feel like a sense of belonging goes hand in hand with touch. Either that is someone touching your soul or physically touching you. But just for someone to be present is literally a beautiful touching experience.

I've experienced feelings of feeling left out a lot, so finding my soul tribe, having a sense of community has been such a humbling experience for me that I cherish.
I feel like, majority of the battles in life are softer to face with a sense of belonging and flexibility, while healing scars and triggers.